Norah Jones & Yoga.

It has just been a month that I have renowned the material pleasures of life, well, almost! I used to live in one of the metropolitan cities of India-New Delhi. Don’t get me wrong, I loved New Delhi… I still do. However, I was not happy. Happiness was like a blue moon to me.It arrived only once in a while and when it did arrive, I would celebrate it leisurely. Happiness was a strange thing for me. Since I was a little girl, I have always known that my constant companion was melancholy. I felt comfort in my loneliness and with my melancholy. I was sad most of the times that the slightest glimpse of happiness could make me jump in joy,literally! I appreciate those fleeting moments.Sometimes those moments are just like those lofty clouds that float above the clear blue summer skies where there was no trace of grey clouds looming all over the immense expanse,above the horizon of the earth. I love those moments..and other times it feels  like a warm bed ready to be slept in with brand new quilts waiting to comfort you like cotton candy on a drizzly monsoon night, with purple hue luminating the night skies with the crackling sound of firewood in the fireplace and thunderous roars which make that monsoon night even more exciting followed by  a train from faraway lanes passing through the valley, from a distance…meandering the routes within the hill tracks…its whistle soft against the flirtatious rustle of the icy wind that blew… complimenting the chimney smoke that went up like a chainsmoker, up…up… so high in that stormy night. That is what happiness feels like to me… witnessing these sheer miracles from that warm cozy bedroom wooden window,in a quaint small hilly town… well… to be clear, people assumed my town quaint…it did look quaint from the outside but not to me… I was not happy every single day but when happiness did occur to me, when it did manage to catch me off guard, I  usually found myself surprised, caught  with wonder,absolute wonder and gratitude and all I could manage was a long sigh and a broad smile and peace within my soul.

Today is one of those peaceful mornings. My nightmares have not stopped though.They are recurring. I did not even want to wake up but I conjured up some courage and forced myself to wake up. I wanted to stay in bed and feel miserable for myself, dupe myself into convincing myself that I was the most unfortunate person alive but IT AIN’T TRUE!! NOPE!! I woke up. My yoga teacher was waiting for me.I cannot let her down either. I had to. A very good way to cope with depression is to compel oneself to do any productive activity and to manage a good routine. For example : WAKE UP EARLY!! “EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE!” That motto is 100% legit !

Before yoga today,I felt miserable and lazy and I thought that I was going to sleep as soon as my yoga was done but all that changed ! Right now as I write this, I am filled with renewed energy and fresh thoughts,good and positive thoughts! It is unbelievable but I better believe it! My laziness has gone and my body feels light, my head feels light and today, after a long time I realise that happiness doesn’t have to be a fleeting moment. It can sustain an entire day !! Woah !! Good thing I ain’t going to a shrink. Listen up guys, this DOES NOT mean I am an expert but I do feel good. I reckon that shrinks and yoga classes do cost about the same, more or less. However, from my experience what I am aware of now is that I did not want to take any “medicines” you know,those “anti-depressants”. To be entirely honest, I do not trust these medicines and neither do I want to get dependent on them. I do not know much but one thing I do know is that the trick is to control the mind and focus. And, yoga helps to focus, precisely. Another way to destress for me is to write and simultaneously listen to Norah Jones’ lovely songs… Her voice is soothing. One more thing I would like to point out is that I want to debunk a common myth here and that is the notion people have about alcohol and drowning misery. No, it does not work ! Alcohol only aggravates the pain and anger within us. Thus, alcohol is not a healthy option to drown one’s miseries. I do not want to preach here, although, I sincerely hope that my blog makes you believe in something real. I hope I am helping people like me see that there’s so much to life and that happiness is a possibility and not a probability !

Let us be brave together !

Namaste !

 

 

 

Mindfucked.

IMG_1798                    I am not going to be even a tad bit apologetic writing this blog as sincerely as I can. Enough is enough! I have kept all these bubbling emotions within me for too long and I have decided that if I cannot bother my friends with my feelings, I am going to use this blog to reach out to the millions of human beings out there who are complete strangers. This is absurd but I feel good about it. I am sure that at least one human being would be able to connect with me.

I am a 26 year old person and I have struggled with ill-mental health since a very young age even though I discovered about it pretty late. I have always been a very sensitive person. The last decade of my life have been the hardest years for me. Last year, something incredible happened to me. It changed my life. But, now all of sudden-I feel like I have slipped into the abyss again and I feel like I am stuck within a bottomless well. I am not sure whether I have relapsed or what has gone wrong with me but all I know is that I am scared as Hell. I never want to go back to where I came from. I never want to feel the brunt of depression ever again because it sucks. J.K Rowling is right. Truly, depression sucks the life out of you like the Dementor’s kiss. It sucks all the happiness from your being, in flesh and spirit. I hate it. I have not gone back to my shrink to confirm my fears. I don’t need to… I am familiar with the dread that weighs on each new day like a stinky, decomposing dead body clinging unto you stubbornly like a zombie ready to eat you alive.

I am fighting the Devil though. I have taken up Yoga. It has just been a week that I have taken up this activity and therefore,I cannot say that it has started to affect me positively even though I have no doubt that Yoga is a great way to de-stress and chase the Dementors away. I am trying. I dread to wake up each morning but I am trying. I have stopped calling up my friends and sharing with them what I feel. Honestly, they do not understand. Besides, they have their own lives. I cannot be demanding and take up so much of anyone’s time. Depression, I have learnt that does not crush you if you do not let it but in fact makes you stronger (if you let it). We might feel like we do not have a choice but we always do have a choice. I am aware that many people who do not understand depressed people misunderstand people who are depressed as ungrateful,whiny and attention-seeking cunts but it is not true. I know I am hard to handle but all I really need is some love and some loving. One day I saw a meme on social media which said,”Before you assume you are depressed, do check that there aren’t assholes around you.” It hit me after a minute or so. I was just laughing away but it kind of hit me beside the humour. It was just a sentence but there was much wisdom within that meme. I realised that I have always blamed myself for everything. I suffered great anxiety that came with my depression too. For example, one a house in my neighbourhood burnt down,I would feel so guilty…like it was my fault!! I would be mad at myself for being guilty like that. I have always been a criminal in my own eyes and I have always felt like I deserve some sort of punishment or the other. What the hell was happening with me ! This is not normal! This is not healthy! This ain’t right! Whenever I would feel these nauseous sensations, dread would fill me up like bile-grotesque and utterly disgusting! I would wanna shoot myself and get it over with! Why?!! Why could not I just be normal ! Why was it so hard for me to accept myself and love myself? I just did not understand !

My parents are loving and caring. I have an amazing family. I hate myself more for the fact that I am so unhappy even when I have everything in life. How could I be this ungrateful cunt ?!! I am aware of how beautiful this Universe is and I am thankful everyday for everything that we are blessed with… the trees, the animals, the lovely flowers, the charming celestial beings… the Universe is magnificent! I love it beyond words! I am also aware that there are people who are living harsh realities in the physical world we live in,within Earth. I am aware that I am one of those privileged people who have everything in life but I hate myself more because I am unable to appreciate any of that when my brains go “I-am-going-to-ruin-you-bitch” mode,when the Dementors come and suck my soul. My heart reaches out to the people in the war-torn countries  and I am filled with shame.I am sorry… I cannot help it… People survive in the worst of conditions and I have seen many valors who have proved human resistance as stronger than steel yet when these Dementors perform their kiss, I am rendered helpless and weak… so very weak ! Oh, what agony! What curse is this ?! It tears my soul apart… But I clutch onto Hope like it’s my last resort. Isn’t that what professor Remus Lupin told Harry ? The trick is to remember the one happy memory right… the happiest of all… then only I would be able to produce my Patronus…. and drive away these Evil things…

Thus, I realise that the trick is to remember each morning when I wake up that I must never forget to remember the one happy memory that I have.It’s within me. I must remember. If nothing else works, I remind myself to yell “EXPECTO PATRONUM” at the top of my lungs !

Thank you J.K Rowling for giving me hope.

Cheers !

Great day to all !!

Let there be Love,Peace&Prosperity!