Mindfucked.

IMG_1798                    I am not going to be even a tad bit apologetic writing this blog as sincerely as I can. Enough is enough! I have kept all these bubbling emotions within me for too long and I have decided that if I cannot bother my friends with my feelings, I am going to use this blog to reach out to the millions of human beings out there who are complete strangers. This is absurd but I feel good about it. I am sure that at least one human being would be able to connect with me.

I am a 26 year old person and I have struggled with ill-mental health since a very young age even though I discovered about it pretty late. I have always been a very sensitive person. The last decade of my life have been the hardest years for me. Last year, something incredible happened to me. It changed my life. But, now all of sudden-I feel like I have slipped into the abyss again and I feel like I am stuck within a bottomless well. I am not sure whether I have relapsed or what has gone wrong with me but all I know is that I am scared as Hell. I never want to go back to where I came from. I never want to feel the brunt of depression ever again because it sucks. J.K Rowling is right. Truly, depression sucks the life out of you like the Dementor’s kiss. It sucks all the happiness from your being, in flesh and spirit. I hate it. I have not gone back to my shrink to confirm my fears. I don’t need to… I am familiar with the dread that weighs on each new day like a stinky, decomposing dead body clinging unto you stubbornly like a zombie ready to eat you alive.

I am fighting the Devil though. I have taken up Yoga. It has just been a week that I have taken up this activity and therefore,I cannot say that it has started to affect me positively even though I have no doubt that Yoga is a great way to de-stress and chase the Dementors away. I am trying. I dread to wake up each morning but I am trying. I have stopped calling up my friends and sharing with them what I feel. Honestly, they do not understand. Besides, they have their own lives. I cannot be demanding and take up so much of anyone’s time. Depression, I have learnt that does not crush you if you do not let it but in fact makes you stronger (if you let it). We might feel like we do not have a choice but we always do have a choice. I am aware that many people who do not understand depressed people misunderstand people who are depressed as ungrateful,whiny and attention-seeking cunts but it is not true. I know I am hard to handle but all I really need is some love and some loving. One day I saw a meme on social media which said,”Before you assume you are depressed, do check that there aren’t assholes around you.” It hit me after a minute or so. I was just laughing away but it kind of hit me beside the humour. It was just a sentence but there was much wisdom within that meme. I realised that I have always blamed myself for everything. I suffered great anxiety that came with my depression too. For example, one a house in my neighbourhood burnt down,I would feel so guilty…like it was my fault!! I would be mad at myself for being guilty like that. I have always been a criminal in my own eyes and I have always felt like I deserve some sort of punishment or the other. What the hell was happening with me ! This is not normal! This is not healthy! This ain’t right! Whenever I would feel these nauseous sensations, dread would fill me up like bile-grotesque and utterly disgusting! I would wanna shoot myself and get it over with! Why?!! Why could not I just be normal ! Why was it so hard for me to accept myself and love myself? I just did not understand !

My parents are loving and caring. I have an amazing family. I hate myself more for the fact that I am so unhappy even when I have everything in life. How could I be this ungrateful cunt ?!! I am aware of how beautiful this Universe is and I am thankful everyday for everything that we are blessed with… the trees, the animals, the lovely flowers, the charming celestial beings… the Universe is magnificent! I love it beyond words! I am also aware that there are people who are living harsh realities in the physical world we live in,within Earth. I am aware that I am one of those privileged people who have everything in life but I hate myself more because I am unable to appreciate any of that when my brains go “I-am-going-to-ruin-you-bitch” mode,when the Dementors come and suck my soul. My heart reaches out to the people in the war-torn countries  and I am filled with shame.I am sorry… I cannot help it… People survive in the worst of conditions and I have seen many valors who have proved human resistance as stronger than steel yet when these Dementors perform their kiss, I am rendered helpless and weak… so very weak ! Oh, what agony! What curse is this ?! It tears my soul apart… But I clutch onto Hope like it’s my last resort. Isn’t that what professor Remus Lupin told Harry ? The trick is to remember the one happy memory right… the happiest of all… then only I would be able to produce my Patronus…. and drive away these Evil things…

Thus, I realise that the trick is to remember each morning when I wake up that I must never forget to remember the one happy memory that I have.It’s within me. I must remember. If nothing else works, I remind myself to yell “EXPECTO PATRONUM” at the top of my lungs !

Thank you J.K Rowling for giving me hope.

Cheers !

Great day to all !!

Let there be Love,Peace&Prosperity!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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